Bravs Celebrity Post

Many many moons ago we ran a kooky little story about Britney Spears’s aspirations to become a forensic scientist. We heard nothing more on the subject and assumed that Brit had moved on to more accessible dreams, like finally mastering the patting the head while rubbing the belly trick. But in reality Britney wracked her brain for ways to achieve her goal and came up with a stroke of genius: pass on that whole going to college part and just get her husband a role on CSI so he can learn all the tricks from the inside.

According to People, Kevin Federline will play “a menacing, arrogant teen who harasses investigators Nick Stokes (George Eads) and Warrick Brown (Gary Dourdan) on a job” in an episode tentatively scheduled for October. Kev told the mag:

This is pretty much my first time acting. It’s the first time I’ve actually had a speaking role. I was doing stuff for the Teen Choice Awards and got the call while we were rehearsing and I pissed in my pants! I was excited right off the bat. It’s the only show that I really, really watch.
And here we thought the only prime-time show Kevin would ever be seen on was Cops. But while the thought of Kevin pissing in his size 42 Diesels is definitely amusing, the word we’re focusing on here is “teen”. How much pancake makeup does it take to transform a bedraggled, chain-smoking, 28-year-old father-of-four into “a menacing, arrogant teen” from Las Vegas? Probably about as much as it took to transform his wife into a shiny, poreless, normal-sized pregnant lady for the cover of Bazaar. Maybe she has some left over that he could borrow for the job.

Do some Britney investigation at MrSkin.com.

An awards show without a runaway nipple is like a Janet Jackson magazine cover sans breast-cupping. That was a terrible simile, but we scored a twelve on the verbal portion of our SATs, so what are you gonna do? After the cut: titties!

Dateline: last night! A little more sparkle was sprinkled onto the best and brightest of Tinseltown’s TV finest! The best, brightest, and most beautiful donned glittering gowns and gorgeous jewels to attend the 58th annual Emmy Awards! That concludes our Maria Menounos impersonation. The big news was not any particular outstanding gown, but what was NOT in the gown. And that was Mindy Kaling’s nipple. The lovely actress has a small role on The Office, and as she was picking up her Emmy for Best Comedy Series, her boob decided that it was sick of hiding behind dowdy business-casual gear on the show and popped out. In front of millions of viewers. And another sub-B actress learns a sobering lesson about overexposure. Remember: You’re never too C-list for a little double-stick tape.

Oh, and Bai Ling slipped nip at a pre-Emmy party too. But that’s kind of like saying, “Oh, by the way, dirt is brown.”

Feel the magic of Bai Ling’s ubiquitous nipples at MrSkin.com

Paris Hilton has a brilliantly high-school manner of dealing with rejection: She says, “You’re just jealous that I’m prettier (or richer, more popular, or better at giving head) than you.”

Paris attempted to land a spot on the Ricky Gervais series Extras but was turned down. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Socialite/singer Paris Hilton has fired back at British funnyman Ricky Gervais for snubbing her on the upcoming season of his comedy show “Extras.”

The hotel heiress has branded the comic genius too insecure to work with actresses of her caliber after her pleas to appear on the show, which has previously starred Ben Stiller, Samuel L. Jackson and Kate Winslet, were rebuffed.

She says, “I guess he’s obviously scared of starring alongside an A-lister.”
Or maybe England’s sexual education system isn’t as advanced as America’s and he’s under the impression that herpes can be contracted through airborne particles.

See the A-lister herself at MrSkin.com.

Madonna

Place of birth: Bay City, Michigan, USA

Date of birth: 08/16/1958

Named after the biblical icon, Madonna could stir even the messiah’s loincloth to sin. She first discovered her arousing talents shaking her pom-poms as a cheerleader in high school and then escaped to New York and fame and fortune. While her musical career–with hits such as “Like a Virgin,” “Justify My Love,” and “Erotica”–propelled her to the top of the charts in videos that Join Now and read more…

Find more of Madonna and other nude celebrity pics here

A stunningly beautiful Eastern European actress, who was formerly a supermodel. A hasty, sloppy exit from a car; a silken ruffled skirt bunching about the hips and thighs. Normally this all adds up to a revealing, with much fanfare, of the dusky, cotton-covered triangle that lurks ‘neath a lady’s lower vestments–what we in the biz call “the upskirt”. And that’s exactly what dainty, fine-featured famous person Milla Jovovich is showing in this picture; however, there is a problem.

What are we looking at here, exactly? Is that a pair of panties crammed, probably painfully, between two of the fluffiest outer labia the world has yet seen? Is the angle weird, and her ladybusiness remains covered, and what we see is a wedgie between a second instance of bizarre Paris Hilton assflaps? Or–sweet fancy Moses on a cracker–is Milla sporting a full set of sausage and baked potatoes?! Alas, the world may never know.

Get a closer look at Milla’s mouthfuls at MrSkin.com.

Posters depicting Britney Spears in her naked, heavy with with baby pose from last month’s Bazaar have been censored in the subways of Japan, for being “too stimulating”. This, from a country that was the birthplace of bukkake and tentacle porn.

The pictures first ran in the August issue of US Bazaar and are set to be included in the October issue of the Japanese version of the mag. An extensive ad campaign was planned to promote the issue, but Tokyo Metro bosses pursed their lips disapprovingly and let the Hello Kitty-shaped gavel of censorship bang, stating that the image of the fallen pop tart naked (yet covered) and lousy with fetus is “too rude and a threat to the nation’s young.” According to IMDb.com:

A [Toyko Metro] official says, “We thought some of our customers would find it to be overly stimulating.” The poster will go on show, but censored below Spears’ elbow, with a statement that reads, “We apologize for hiding part of a beautiful image of a mother-to-be.”
It’s doubtful that the Japanese actually have that much of a problem looking at a poster of a lady with her naked parts covered, which is most likely hanging next to one of those fabled “soiled underage panties” vending machines. They’re probably just cowering in fear at the sight of an 8 foot tall Federfetus, threatening to burst forth from its uterine prison and stomp through the streets of Tokyo, rapping about Portugese asses and Pavarottis while smashing cars and eating people; a newborn wigga Godzilla.

Britney during the lamented, missed “hot” years. Pics and clips at MrSkin.com.

Jessica Alba says she lost a tooth while filming a sex scene with Dane Cook. We’re guessing that the thing sacrificed itself just to escape Dane’s whiny, frat-boy-tinged brand of “humor”. Really, Jess is lucky something more serious didn’t happen, like her arms detaching themselves from her torso or her internal organs crawling up through her throat and making a run for it.

We were understandably titillated by the headline “Jessica Alba’s oral sex accident,” but, alas, FemaleFirst is a bigger prick tease than Donna Martin and didn’t quite follow through with what was promised. Instead of Jessica accidentally biting the tip off of boyfriend Cash Warren’s weenis or some such incident, we get a much tamer story.

The Sin City actress is starring in romantic comedy Good Luck Chuck with Dane Cook and admits the frantic scenes left her nursing a sore mouth.

Alba told TV show Extra: “We shot all our love scenes in one day and I actually lost a tooth. I chipped a tooth as well so I need to get that fixed. Isn’t that disgusting?

“We were smashing our faces together and it just happened. It’s not the slowest, most romantic of love scenes. Dane’s a wild one.”
Usually when we mention Jessica Alba on these here pages it has something to do with sexiness. She’s got great cans! She makes out with a monkey! So we’re sorry to ruin Jessica’s sexy streak with the image of her toothless. Because if you think of your great aunt Marge digging her dentures out of the glass on her bedside table every time you try to look at Jessica’s ass in Into the Blue, it might cause you some problems.

Check out Jessica Albas body right here

Paris Hilton has revealed that she, like, cries when she hears herself sing. At least her own voice doesn’t give her the urge to administer knob jobs, or else a night out at a club would leave her looking like Edward James Olmos.

Your sexual education probably consisted of a combination of dropped trou next to the dumpster behind Safeway and Ms. Garcia, the lesbian gym teacher with a moustache, disgustedly slipping a condom onto a banana during your state-mandated, week-long sex-ed class. Just be happy you didn’t have Kathy Hilton to guide you through your body’s urges and changing ways. In an interview with Blender Paris Hilton divulged her mama’s sage advice:

My mom told me that you get those holes in your face, craters – she knew this person who had craters. I’m like, “What is that from?” She’s like, “from giving blow jobs.” I’m like, “You get craters?” And I totally believed her. She’s like, “It’s from sucking.” I’m like, “Ewwww!” I told my boyfriend – he’s like, “Why don’t you ever do that?” I’m like, “Because my mom told me you get these craters.” And he’s like, “Paris, you’re 19. You’re allowed to do this.”
Unfortunately this anecdote has allowed us an unprecedented peek into Kathy Hilton’s previously hidden sex life. But we think knowing that Kath’s favorite role-playing game is “My face is on fire and your dick’s the fire hose” is something that we could have gone our whole life without discovering.

Other nuggets spelunked from the Blender cave include: “And when this record comes out, people are gonna change their fuckin’ tune. I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it’s so good,” and “I hate it when they fucking touch me.” That last quote of course refers to dirty, non-famous, non-rich people. Apparently letting them look into the black hole known as her shaven snatch every time she exits a car is just peachy with her, though.

More highlights can be found at Us Weekly.

Paris didnt listen to the advice. You can find her giving head right here

We never thought we’d see Paris Hilton as the spokesmodel for abstinence. Spokesmodel for adult-onset retardation and vulval chancres, sure. But not abstinence.

The Christian right may have found an unlikely ally in the form of 5′8″ of pure bronzer and Valtrex. Not only is Paris Hilton giving up sexual relations for one year, she’s urging girls across the land to clamp a combination lock on their glitter “Princess” thongs and not give up the cookies. Our gossip alpha dog, FemaleFirst, tells us that although Paris is known for her dongsmokin’, pigtailin’, night-vision sex tape, 1 Night in Paris, she (read: her handlers) is trying to reinvent herself as a respectable lady and a positive role model for young girls. Says Paris:

“It’s sexier when a girl is flirty but she doesn’t do anything. I think women should be confident and strong, and they often underestimate themselves and give in to men. Girls need to calm down and realise that sex isn’t everything. It’s frightening. Women are getting as bad as boys now for sleeping around.”
Obviously we’re not going to pooh-pooh Paris for trying to right the wrong she started when she inspired six-year-olds to wear crotch-grazing miniskirts with baby tees that say “Your boyfriend was good last night.” However, forgive us if we can’t exactly take this latest venture seriously. After all, we’re talking about a gal who will cheerfully give the thumbs up to any product that bears her name, whether it be perfume, clothing, makeup, or a book called Your Heiress Diary: Confess It All to Me (uh, why did Paris need a cowriter for a diary? Was she like, “Shit, I need some help here. What comes after ‘April twoth?’”). We’d be willing to bet dollars to doughnuts that her flack just told her “Abstinence” is a new edible body spray she has to promote.

You can see Paris naked at Mr Skin

As we mentioned before, Kate Hudson’s marriage is not only over, she’s reportedly saddled up, slipped her dainty feet into the well-worn stirrups, and trotted off on the sinewy back of The Butterscotch Stallion. But the impetus for doing so might not be a simple “irreconcilable differences”–Kate reportedly has grown weary of playing the part of the meat in a Chris Robinson-giggling groupie sandwich.

From talking about how humans should be non-manogamous to her willingness and openness when it comes to popping a well-worn VHS copy of Up Your Ass!! 11 into the VCR, Kate Hudson has always been careful to promote her image as the freewheelin’, freelovin’, totally open for business sexual free spirit. But as it turns out, Kate may tread more traditional waters. In a totally unsubtantiated yet undeniably hilarious bit, today’s PopBitch reads:

Speculation surrounding the end of Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson’s marriage seems to be focusing on her close friendship with Owen Wilson. But there were longer-term issues. Like many rocks singers, Chris is fond of group sex and threesomes while on tour, and Black Crowes insiders had often seen Chris and Kate heading to their hotel with a keen groupie or fan in tow. But by the end of the last tour Kate was said to be tagging along like a turkey on its way to Christmas lunch.
In showbiz, this is called “The Fonda-Vadim” (not to be confused with “The Fonda-Turner”, a whooolllle different beast). The joke is probably on Kate, however, because if you’re looking to get out of a situation in which you’re roped into nonstop threesomes, Owen Wilson doesn’t really seem like a safe harbor of monogamous missionary sex and no-expectations spooning.

See Kate naked at Mr Skin

OK, so Eva Longoria’s publicist is denying a few rumors about her love life that have appeared in the press recently. “Great,” we thought. “That right there is the stuff of titillation! Let us dip our quills in the proverbial inkwell and get started, post haste!” Then we stared at the blank computer screen for twenty minutes, trying to think of an Eva Longoria joke we haven’t already beaten into the ground with bloodied clubs. So instead we’ll post pictures of Eva in the lastest issue of Maxim, Photoshopped to smoothed-out, stretched-out perfection so that Joe Fratguy can safely manually stimulate his genitals to it without being reminded of the fact that human females have pubic hair, pores, ankle bones, and creases at the knee.

Yeah, so a few media outlets reported that Eva (1.) wants a “full-on gay experience” after kissing a female friend, and that (2.) she likes to dress up in revealing clothes and then go out to make boyfriend Tony Parker jealous. Her publicist says that both stories are completely untrue. Terrific! Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, more Maxim pictures of Eva lounging around the house and car, clad in underwear and drapey fur and flotaki. You know, just hanging around like you and me.

This is what they call “dazzle camouflage”. You see, during WWI, the British and U.S. Armies painted their boats with kooky crazy patterns in an attempt to confuse the enemies’ rangefinders, thus making it difficult to determine the ships’ direction and speed. See? You totally forgot about the fact that this story contains no story.

If you need more pics of Eva Longoria you can find them here

We warned you, Kate Hudson, but you just wouldn’t listen. Let this be a lesson to future scissors-averse starlets: If you allow your son’s hair to grow to Cornsilk Cabbage Patch Kid Becky LaRue lengths, you will end up in divorce court. It’s simple cause and effect, people.

We don’t know the reason behind Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson’s separation, and frankly we don’t really care. All we know is that “She Talks to Angels” is going to the predominate sound in our head all day, and for that someone must pay. So when you hear of a mysterious figure with a beard that weighs more than his body strangling record-store patrons with a long, patterned scarf, don’t turn us in right away. Give us a chance to flee to a Utopian land yet unsullied by anyone shaking their money maker.

Anyway, on with the details. Wait, there are no details. People reports that the couple is splitting after six years of marriage. There is no word from the couple’s reps at this time. Wow. Exciting stuff. So in lieu of a fancy credibility-enhancing quote here, we’ll just point out that Kate was in a movie called Le Divorce. This of course signals to us that Kate’s life from here on in will be comprised solely of her acting roles taking real-life form. Next we will expect her to get trapped in a miserable relationship with Matthew McConaughey and try to get him to dump her by withholding sex. Yeah, good luck with that one, Kate.

Kate is single and hot and you can find her topless here

Britney Spears is a fan of human reproduction because she loves to have little ones to look after, she needs playmates who are a bit more mentally advanced than her husband, and because the word uterus makes her giggle. Kevin Federline on the other hand, he loves making babies cause it gets him paid, y’all.

The following information is about as shocking as hearing a girl say “You know, I don’t usually like girls, but I’d totally hump Angelina Jolie.” A source told MSNBC’s The Scoop:

Before he got married, Kevin was sitting down with lawyers, discussing legal and financial issues. He was sitting sort of slumped over with a baseball cap over his eyes and a lawyer was talking about how he had to sign a pre-nup and Kevin looked sort of bummed out. But then the lawyer explained that for every child the two of you have together, you would receive X amount of dollars. His eyes really lit up.
What, you thought Kevin loved stuffin’ his pork in Britney because he has a fetish for TJ Maxx clearance wear and synthetic extensions for Sally Beauty Supply?

Check out Britney before she was preggo

She appeared on Tag and apparently forgot the body tape. Not only is there a nipple slip, but her huge boobs pop all the way out of the skimpy black dress she is wearing. This is an Oops I wont soon forget

Find Victoria and other celebrities exposed here

Skintillating Swedish knockout Victoria Silvestedt, an Amazonian blonde in the great Scandinavian tradition, achieved international skin status as Playboy’s Playmate of the Year in 1997. She’s been teasing audiences ever since as appropriately overwhelming window dressing in such sexy comedies as BASEketball (1998), Out Cold (2001), and Boat Trip (2002). Remarkably (but not regrettably), the only time she let loose her scrumptious Swedish meatballs More…

If you purchase a Bentley, you are going to go out and you are going to drive the shit out of it in front of as many people as possible. You are not going to be like Cameron Frye’s dad and hide that thing in a glass garage in the wilds of Chicago’s North Shore. Similarly, if you pay a highly regarded personal trainer top dollar to melt away the flab you piled on while stressed about your brother being a kid-toucher, you’re gonna show those washboard abs off. Naked. In Vibe magazine. And by “you” we mean “Janet”. Miss Rack-son if you’re nasty.

Janet is such a mystery. Other stars will happily run off at the mouth about their favorite color, what they got for Christmas, their exercise regimen. But what do we know about Janet? We know she looks an awful lot like Michael would have looked, had he been born a lady, gotten 1/2 the plastic surgery, and remained black. We know that she likes cutting tracks on which she whispers over a drum track. We know . . . well, that’s pretty much it. But we are willing to deal with Janet’s secrecy so long as she uses her peculiarly buff form to do the talking. She’s appearing naked on the cover of Vibe . . . well, naked save for an arm across her yams. She does enjoy going topless while using someone’s upper appendages as a bra, that Janet. She says to expect more of the same, and that she’ll only stop getting naked “when I’m 80 . . . That’s when I’ll call it quits.” Speaking of naked, she was asked about the infamous Boobgate incident, and she snapped:

It’s just over and done with. It’s old. It’s the past. It’s history. I’m onto something new. Everybody got their licks in - those who wanted to - and it’s done.
Au contraire, Janet. In fact, right now thousands of our readers’ tongues are left dry, empty, lickless at the thought of Janet’s bejeweled, Timberlake-exposed teat.

See that Boob and more at Mr Skin

Penélope Cruz

Date of birth: 04/28/1974

Place of birth: Madrid, Spain

Bio: Formerly known as “The Madonna of Madrid,” Penélope Cruz turned from beautiful ballerina to buxom film star in the Spanish-lensed international arthouse smash Jamón, jamón (1992). Other European hits followed, and Pen made the leap to Hollywood with Woman on Top (2000), followed by All the Pretty Horses (2000) and Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001). Vanilla Sky (2001) is director Cameron Crowe’s remake of the… read more

See more of Penélope Cruz and other Latin Celebrities here

You’ve seen pictures of Lindsay Lohan in a blue bikini. You’ve seen pictures of Lindsay Lohan boxing in the blue bikini. The pictures span every angle, every nuance of Lindsay’s body, but you know what photographs can’t do? They can’t move, friends. That’s why they invented the movies lo, so many years ago and now, thanks to the magic of paparazzi and the camera machine, we now have a video of those noteworthy Lo-cans in action. Watch in wonder as they bounce, sway, jiggle, and bob. The movie ain’t a talkie, though; but it’s the most titillating fun you’ll have at the silent flickers since Theda Bara showed a little shoulder in Lady Audley’s Secret!

Maybe catch Lohan without the bikini at Mr Skin

Stacey Dash

Date of birth: 01/20/1966

Place of birth: The Bronx, New York, USA

Bio: Best known for her titillating performance as bronze-hued Beverly Hills beauty Dionne in both Clueless (1995), the classic teen comedy, and it’s long-running TV spinoff, Stacey Dash has had a skinfully spicy career. This green-eyed, raven-maned honey played a hitchhiker that no man could resist picking up in Tennessee Nights (1989), baring just a bit of bunnage in sexy shorts. Stacey also showed a dash of ass and a pinch of tit in Illegal in Blue (1995). The dusky darling just begs to be cuffed and frisked in this erotic thriller as the delicious and deranged dish accused of killing… MORE >>

Find More Of Stacey Dash and other Black Celebrities Here

Angelina Jolie’s man-trap is hungry, and when Sigmund (hey, we didn’t name it) is hungry, men best stay out of Angelina’s way, lest they end up divorcing their wife, taking on a Haitian orphan village, and reducing their vocabulary to “Yes, Dear” and “Of course I care very very deeply about the situation in Darfur.”

Page Six relays the riveting tale of Angelina’s feeding habits:

Angelina Jolie loves to eat out - as long as a woman is serving her. When Jolie and two pals breezed into the Dakota restaurant at the Hollywood Roosevelt the other night, she oddly requested “a female server only” to bring her halibut and salad, our spy says. “The theory is she feels guys gawk at her too much, and this is one way of avoiding that.”
Why, that makes perfect sense to us, Ang! No woman has ever stared at you, or spilled a bowl of soup on you just so she could grope at your breasts with a linen napkin, or licked the picture of you they keep next to their bed. Women are way too classy and wiener-loving to ever think about you in that way. Surely Ashlee Simpson and the world’s population of lesbians has never lusted after you in such a fashion.

See Angelina exposed, naked and in action right here

An Entourage cast member got uppity at a club recently and started a fight with the DJ. We know what you’re thinking, and, nope, it wasn’t Piven. It wasn’t Adrian Grenier or Matt Dillon’s brother either. Turtle? He’s got some heft. Nope? God, then who’s left? Mandy Moore? It has to be Mandy Moore. Wait, you’re saying it was Kevin Connolly? Eric? He looks like he couldn’t even take Jermaine Dupri or a really quick-witted Ewok. Yeah, we know that last sentence was a bit redundant, but we couldn’t think of another thing that was really really small and scrappy.

Fighting to defend the honor of Nicky Hilton. While nowhere near as fruitless as defending the long-lost-honor of her sister, it’s still a bit like offering to kick someone’s ass because they called Elton John gay. Alas, Kevin Connolly took on the challenge and emerged victorious. Page Six reports:

“Entourage” star Kevin Connolly used his fist to defend the honor of girlfriend Nicky Hilton the other night at West Hollywood hot spot Hyde. Things got physical after pro skateboarder Chad Muska, who was guest-deejaying, made a lewd crack about the honey-haired heiress. “Kevin jumped into the DJ booth and hit Chad,” a witness tells Us Weekly. “Chad tried to hit him back, but at that point they were separated [by security].” After Muska was escorted out the front door, another witness says Connolly “went back to his seat and continued to chat with Nicky.”
We understand Connolly’s stance here, as just gazing upon this picture of Chad Muska gets us a little punchy. He’s like Stephen Dorff without the . . . uh, fame? Career? Class? Well, without the starring role in a Tara Reid movie, at least. Which reminds us of another Entourage catfight. Craft services must be slipping Alabama whup-ass powder into the donuts. What we don’t understand is what Muska, someone who has been close enough to Bijou Phillips that he’ll probably never be able to wash the skank stench off of his skin, could have possibly said about Nicky Hilton. Next to Bijou, Nicky is as pure and virginal as Hilary Duff. Oh shit.

Check out all the nude celebrity pics and sex scenes we have