Bravs Celebrity Post

If you’ll recall awhile back, Pink became our go-to sexy lady. While Angelina Jolie was all full of baby and not so inclined to talk about the various visitors to her vagina and Eva Longoria was off getting her vibrators serviced (so they could better service her, of course), Pink seemed to be the only non-penis wielder to be talking about sex and nudity and all things titillating. So of course we knew it was only a matter of time before we saw some sort of nudity from the girl. And today that time has arrived.

So technically it’s not actual nudity, but we really don’t care, since the view of an entire nipple through sheer fabric is a bit more exciting than seeing two centimeters of areola protruding past the cleavage crevice. Judge for yourself.

We appreciate Pink’s gallant effort of delivering our first peek at her womanly parts, but there seems to be something wrong here. For being partially held beneath such a gauzy fabric, those nipples seem awfully–what’s the word?–smushed. It’s almost as if she’s playing a trick on us by wearing the nipple-bearing equivalent of the tuxedo shirt. We’re gonna put the accusation out there and let the public decide–we believe that Pink is wearing a shirt that is artfully painted or screen printed or whatever to make it appear as if we are seeing her real nipples. She’s pulling one over on us. Really all Pink has under there is a chest smooth as a baby’s ass and completely devoid of nipplage. It’s an illusion, people. She’s like a modern day M.C. Escher.

You can see more of Pink’s supposed nipples at Egotastic!

Pink shows it all right here

Sure we’ve written about eleventy stories on Britney Spears finally waking up from her contact high and loading up Kevin Federline’s hobo pouch, tying it to a stick, and sending him on his way, but she just doesn’t seem to have any followthrough. She will never realize that she is married to a complete asshat. Doesn’t she comprehend that she’s young, rich, and famous? Surely there’s some hot pool boy or shrub pruner out there who would love the chance to stow away in the master bedroom and treat her like a queen in exchange for a handsome monthly allowance. Doesn’t that sound nice, Brit?

What’s a boy to do when his sugar momma gets sick of his shit and cuts his allowance to a paltry sum that only covers boring things like food and clothing (and maybe one hooker a week if he starts eating Top Ramen)? Buddy up to a friendly and deep-pocketed tabloid reporter, of course. According to MSNBC’s Jeannette Walls:

Britney looking sexier right here

All gossip stories about Natalie Portman go a little like this: Natalie is cast in a movie. Natalie shoots movie. Person on movie set reports that Natalie is naked in movie. Hearts and penii swell. Movie comes out. Natalie is not naked. Boners wilt. Tears are shed. Natalie Portman effigies are burned. Grown men turn into weeping goth cutters. Fecund earth dries up. Day turns to night. Famine, natural disasters, war. Then Natalie is cast in another movie, and the cycle begins anew.

Our hearts are colorful balls of string, and Natalie Portman is the grinning, winking cat batting us around with her pretty pretty pretty little pixie claws. Sure, she’ll puke in the closet and crap in our shoes, but we’ll still follow her fuzzy little self around the house, making goo-goo eyes and attempting to stroke her soft fur. Yes, indeed, Nat is shooting a new movie, and according to a poster at Ain’t It Cool News, she is interrogated and roughed up in a highly nude fashion. Egotastic! reports the mystery poster as saying:

Now, [this] isn’t some bullshit interrogation involving comfy chairs and being poked with soft cushions. This is some major torture. Her hands are tied behind her back and then she is lifted off the ground… BY HER WRISTS! If you think that this sounds painful, well, you should see it. One more thing about this scene… NATALIE PORTMAN’S NAKED! (Well, at least the unfinished special effect of Natalie is.) It’s not necessarily the ideal place to see her nude, but, you take what you can get, right guys?

Titillating to be sure, but also a little creepy. Creepy in that she’s getting tortured, of course, but also creepy in that the scene sounds a lot like Maggie Gyllenhaal’s infamous butt naked scene in Strip Search. You’ll recall that Natalie is quite possibly dating Jake Gyllenhaal. Who is Maggie’s brother. We’re not saying that Jake Gyllenhaal wants to have proxy sex with his sister or nuthin’. We’re just saying that Natalie is making some coincidental career choices. And also that Jake Gyllenhaal wants to bang his sister.

Natalie gets her tease on right here

Disclaimer: We are certainly not condoning any of our readers sidling up to an intoxicated Paris Hilton in a club and slipping her the ole surreptitious fingerblast. We are simply bringing this story from today’s Popbitch to everyone as a matter of public and scientific interest. Confounding digit-meets-dugout tale under the cut.

Quoth the Popbitch:

See Paris Hilton totally nude right here

Kate Beckinsale
Place of birth: London, England, UK
Date of birth: 07/26/1973

After dropping out of Oxford University, British crumpet Kate Beckinsale landed a key role in Kenneth Branagh’s Much Ado About Nothing (1993), and suddenly much was ado with this milky-skinned, sweetly bitty-boobied beauty’s career. After several years of starring in tony English productions, Kate was cast in the indie hit The Last Days of Disco
Join Now and read more…

Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod gasp gasp gasp faint puke die scream holy crapola swoon swoon!!!!! If the sun seems to be shining a little brighter today, if your complexion seems a little clearer, if the air smells a little sweeter, it’s because Angelina Jolie is presently splaying her long, honeyed legs and gently discharging the eye-searingly hunky infant from America’s Sexiest Uterus.

Or not, whatever. But if she is? Well then, friends, remember: you read it here first.

The Post-Chronicle writes:

“According to a published report, The sultry Hollywood vixen Angelina Jolie has gone into labor. The rumors are flying in from Namibia to Hollywood and Vine that “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” co-stars, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, might be new parents any moment now.”

And The Bosh says:

“Sources tell Extra that Angelina could go into labor in the next 48 hours. Even though Jolie denied she was due on May 18, sources say that on Thursday, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie ’s security in Namibia was tighter than ever - Gossips interpretation - baby is on the way. One newspaper report claimed Angelina may opt for a home birth with a private aircraft on standby.”

And there you have it. A published report stated that she’s having the baby. Published report, people! You can’t mess with that! Brad and Ang “might” be parents at any moment! And also, she “could go into labor in the next 48 hours.” She also could go into labor in the next 233 hours. She also could go into labor next month. And there you have it.

Pre-preggo Ange! And lots of her! Right Here!

Everbody is saying that Britney Spears almost dropped her baby and is therefore a bad mother. We think she was just playing Sean’s favorite game, Bump My Noggin on the Pavement. He learned it from his dad. Only Kevin usually doesn’t realize they’re playing a game when he stops bouncing Sean on his knee so he can roll another doob and the little tyke falls on his head. But Sean loves it and wants to play it over and over again.

TMZ.com explains:

These photos bring nothing but sadness to our heart. Kevin has wasted so much of Britney’s fortune on hand-painted bongs and trips to the champagne room that she had to slump to the lowest rung of the celebrity-bodygaurd ladder: the skinny white guy. No wonder Sean P. is in danger. But luckily we’ve hatched a plan for how to get Britney, Sean, and baby-to-be Lurlene Crystal-Jo out of harm’s way. First thing, divorce papers. Then she needs to hire herself a top-notch nanny, and we’re not talking a sophmore soc major from UCLA. Nothing short of the second coming of Mary Poppins will do. Then Brit needs to start trolling the biggest, shiniest office buildings looking for a CEO or an investment banker or maybe even a nice accountant. Someone a little older who likes to stay home and cuddle on the couch while watching The Way We Were and will love her for what’s inside and treat her kids as if they were his own. See, we only want the best for Britney, and we think this might be the ticket. So get with it, Brit. Send that lazy stoner douchelord packing. Having to get a job at Dairy Queen in order to pay his child support might do him some good.

Britney is a hot mama right here.

When Wilmer Valderrama went on Howard Stern and rated all the famous trim he’d had the pleasure of Fezzing over the years, everybody rolled their eyes. Just another sad little tiny-crotched rooster fluffing up his feathers and waggling his sad little comb. After all, playing a lisping foreign dude on a dead-horse FOX show, doing a guest spot on Grounded for Life, and providing voice talent for Clifford’s Really Big Movie is hardly the stuff of legend. But when that handsome John Stamos followed suit, we had to give the ol’ thumbs up and appreciate the new trend of celebrity boff bragging for what it is: the closest any of us will ever come to sleeping with the likes of Rebecca Romijn.

John Stamos. Charmer. Uncle Jesse. Substitute Beach Boy. Legendary cocksman. He went on Stern’s radio show on Wednesday and although he kept mum on the subject of sex with ex-wife Rebecca, he orated at length on his carnal run-ins with other dames of note.

Stern asked Stamos if he’d thought Teri Hatcher has had too much plastic surgery. Stamos replied:

“Yeah, you know she’s ok. I actually saw her the other night, we were at that Ryan Seacrest thing and she came out and kept trying to kiss me in front of all of the cameras.”

John was apparently involved with Denise Richards post-Charlie and pre-Richie. He said:

“The truth was we’re really good friends and when she was going through her divorce, I was there for her. We had dated you know years before for a while. This time around was just kind of a fast thing and she was going through a hard time. I felt bad that we couldn’t continue on, but it was a bad timing thing. She’s a great mom and she’s a very hands-on mom, you know, and dating women with kids is tough.”

And just call him Richie Stamboros, because he almost had Heather Locklear in her prime, too:

I met her one time and we got really drunk and she asked me to go up to her room with her. But I was a kid and she was getting me plastered, we were playing quarters and by the end I couldn’t even hit the quarter on the table. So she said why don’t you come up to my room in a few minutes, I’m going to take a shower, and I was like yeah, you know, I’m going to do this. The next thing I remember, I woke up with barf all over my room and security was pounding on the door because I had to get to the show. I was in my own room, I just missed the whole thing!

And speaking of being too drunk to hump, John mentined that he had also done it with Brat Pack era Demi Moore, but he could barely remember the act due to his drug use at the time. See, Nancy Reagan had it all wrong when she waged a war on drugs. Her slogan should have been “Don’t Do Drugs Because You Will Get to Have Sexual Intercourse With Incredibly Sexy and Rich Hollywood Starlets But Then You Won’t Remember It So Basically It’s Like You Never Banged Them in the First Place.” Which doesn’t have the same memorable ring to it as “Just Say No,” we admit. But it probably would have been much more effective. Guess we’ll never know. Thanks a lot, Nancy Reagan.

Teri Hatcher’s hairy snatcher right here.

Denise: right here, also naked.

Heather Locklear’s there.

And wouldn’t ya know it, so’s Demi.

We can only think of one person who comes close to being a bigger pile of cat turds than Brandon Davis, and that man is Brett Ratner. (OK, maybe Chris “no fat chicks” Klein.) Ratner has spent the last few years yelling “Action!” and “Cut!” and pretending he knows what those words mean, but it hasn’t brought him any closer to his one true passion: Taking naked photos of hot famous chicks. And since he is so famous and important himself, only the most famous women on the planet will suffice. No Elisha Cuthberts or Piper Perabos for this guy, no sir. Only Halle Berry or Lindsay Lohan will fulfill his artistic vision.

Yes, we would love to see nude photos of Lindsay Lohan, as long she didn’t get all Christina Aguilera on us and cover up the parts that everyone wants to see. And even though we’ve seen Halle in puris naturalibus, we know she’s got a damn sexy body and wouldn’t mind seeing it again. But could we just get someone other than Brett Ratner to photograph these ladies? Someone who looks a little less like a New Jersey gym teacher on his hot Saturday-night date with a local stripper? I mean, just listen to the doosh:

I’ve shot a lot of guys - I want to shoot some girls. Mariah Carey is like the only woman I’ve shot. I want to shoot some women. Halle Berry would be cool. And Lindsay Lohan . . . I’d like to shoot the Pirelli calendar. Wouldn’t that be awesome? Hot!

Could he be any more vile? Probably not unless he was sporting a trucker hat with a wide-open beaver shot on it. Oh, wait, we underestimated him. The New York Daily News paints a picture of his resemblance to a sewage drain:

A young blond woman in tight jeans interrupted to ask: “Can you be requested to take pictures? Do you do nude shots?”

The gum-chomping Ratner brushed her off, then confided: “I’d like to take nude pictures of girls. Not her, though.”

Which didn’t stop him from checking her out as she sauntered away. Ratner admitted: “I’m overpaid as a photographer, I’ve got to say. Way overpaid.”

We’re sure he continued by explaining that, though the lady might be sufficient for a little slap and tickle in the backseat of his Bentley, she just wasn’t up to the caliber of his art. And then he said, “What has two thumbs and likes bangin’ pussy? This guy!”
Check out nude shots of Halle right here

Some Lindsay almost nude right here

We were all excited to make an oh-so-clever, snarky pun in regards to Christina Ricci donning the two piece–”What a Monster!” “The Nation will need Prozac after seeing those pics!” “Christina in a bikini is The Opposite of Sex“!–but she looks amazing, and we’re humbled. Humbled and aroused.

Hey, everybody! It’s bikini season! Pretty girls in tiny thingies. A bikini is just two steps away from naked, you know. Listen, we don’t have anything against Christina Ricci aside from the fact that she’s fooled everyone into thinking she can act. We’re just surprised–nay, delighted–that her figure has regained the soft fullness of her youth in the right spots after a prolonged period of bobbleheadedness. We know you wanted nip, we know you were hoping for crack, but bikini is the best we could do. Christina is looking pretty flawless from every angle, so just use your g.d. imagination, creep.

All the pics are available for your scrutiny here.

Christina Ricci without a bikini right here

Oil heir/professional gadabout/demi-tard Brandon Davis is not just a bloated pretty face–he’s also a witty, rapier-sharp talking head when it comes to pop culture musings. Turns out that Lindsay Lohan’s movie Just My Luck isn’t presently bombing because of poor promotion or a lackluster script. No, the blame should be placed solely on Lohan’s vagina, and the freckles that are issued forth from its russet depths.

We hate to say this, but when Mischa Barton dumped Brandon for Cisco Adler, she traded up.

Adding Brandon Davis to our category list under the heading “celebrity” physically hurt us, it really did, but we make sacrifices for you, dear readers. Anyway, the night before last, Brandon Davis and a giggling Paris Hilton were filmed exiting a club, obviously well into their cups. Davis, who inexplicably always looks so clammy that his fleshy neck chills us to our very core, went off on a four minute and thirty second Lindsay Lohan diatrabe. Watch the video here and listen in wonder as Brandon, in a phlegmy voice eerily reminiscent of officer Barbrady from South Park, waxes poetic on such topics as whether or not Wilmer Valderrama is “in a mariachi band”, the exact color, shape, and odor of Lohan’s genitalia, and the sad fact that Lindsay is “only” worth a “disgusting” and “poor” seven million dollars. Paris is equally vile, snickering mercilessly and egging Davis on with her cell phone. Even the sycophantic paparazzo gasping, “It’th quite a night, huh, Parith? Love you, Parith! Thexthy, Paris!” had to change his tune and spit out a semi-disgusted “JETHUTH, Parith!” after Brandon bleated his all-encompassing summary of Lindsay’s nether bits:

“Lindsay Lohan is a firecrotch. And she has freckles coming out of her vagina and her clitoris is seven feet long. Go.”

Brandon’s right about one thing though. We would NOT fuck Lindsay’s mom.

Get a peek at Lindsays crotch and more right here

And since Lindsay Lohan can’t restrain herself to just one public bitchfest per week, we bring you news of her verbal sparring match with Danny Masterson. Wait, who’s he again? That one guy from Malcolm in the Middle? No, that’s his brother. He’s greasy, always scowls, loves L. Ron like Whitney loves her crack pipe, dates that one skeezy bitch. Taryn Manning? No. Brittany Murphy? No. Oh, yeah, Bijou Phillips. How could we forget Bijou, queen on the skanks? Sorry, girl, you knows we luvs ya. Oh, and he was on That ’70s Show. And we don’t mean B.J. and the Bear.

So to get you up to speed, Lindsay used to date Wilmer. Wilmer was on an utterly deplorable TV show with Danny. Wilmer and Lindsay no longer enjoy partaking in each other’s candy snatches. Danny, therefore, does not like Lindsay and won’t let her enter his club. Lindsay throws a two-year-old-style hissy fit. According to la.comfidential,

Lohan resorted to calling ex-BF Wilmer Valderrama, who was inside with Jamie Foxx and Mekhi Phifer, to ask him to get Masterson to let her in. According to our source inside who witnessed the whole thing, Valderrama obliged, telling his “That ’70s Show” costar that his Lohan beef was vodka under the bridge. But Masterson wouldn’t budge, saying he didn’t want her in because he doesn’t respect the way she lives her life—and that Paris Hilton isn’t welcome either. How did the (underage!) Lindsay respond? According to the crowd that witnessed it, she screamed at the top of her lungs and threatened to call the cops. Eventually, however, she simply left with her tail between her legs.

Ya gotta love the girl’s moxy, threatening to call the cops when she’s underage and trying to scam her way into a club. Next she’ll be calling in the feds on her dealer saying, “Arrest this man, he tried to charge me twice market value on a kilo of coke.”

See lots more of Lindsay right here

Mena Suvari
Place of birth: Newport, Rhode Island, USA
Date of birth: 02/09/1979

Anyone who doubts the greatness of the U.S. need only see prototypical American blonde Mena Suvari’s American trilogy. First, sit up and snap to attention for smirky, flirty Suvari’s teasing tantalization in the camp hetero-teen coming-of-age film American Pie (1999). Next, zip through to Mena’s flat-on-her-back climax in American Beauty (1999). Prepare to fire a Join Now and read more…

Things that make you go “hmm”: Scarlett Johansson showing her ass for free on the cover of Vanity Fair but refusing to pose for sexy shots for L’oreal, a company paying her five million bones. Not that we’re saying paying someone an exorbitant amount of money gives someone license to force the payee to strip or anything. That raises a bunch of dicy “prostitution” questions that we’d rather leave to philosophers and experts and people who watched that one movie with Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson.

Scarlett has been butting heads with the fatcats over at L’oreal. After signing a huge, fancy, really really really well-paying contract, she’s refusing to show her body in a body lotion ad. Seems she wants to ditch her sex-kitten image and be seen as more of a serious actress. Which is funny, since she pretty much is seen as a serious actress. Just a super duper pretty one. A source said,

“Understandably L’Oreal, which spent a fortune signing Scarlett, and actresses Eva Longoria and Penelope Cruz, want her sexy screen siren glamour. There has been a series of creative differences. She had a problem with the last ad she shot for body lotion. There were a few heated exchanges.”

Another source says that it’s only Scarlett who’s being a petulant baby, and that Eva Longoria and Penelope Cruz are doing “anything L’oreal wants them to do.” That’s good news, since it’s pretty much a given that L’oreal wants these two to put on maribou-trimmed teddies and french each other. Then smother each other in baby oil and give each other butt massages. And then have Penelope take a soldering iron and permanently seal Eva’s cakehole shut. Hey, it’s what L’oreal wants.

Lots of sexy Scarlett images right here

When Kevin Federline first entered Britney Spears’s life (and ours through celeb-ogling extension) we were delighted. It was fun to watch the fall of a superstar; we reveled in her paint-and-Cheese-Nip-stained couture and her unwashed, uncombed hair. We even watched every episode of From Britney to Kevin Britney & Kevin: Chaotic without fast forwarding (that took Popeye-like strength and The Little Engine That Could-like determination). But it’s time for a reprieve from the Federline regime. And if it takes Kevin going on a pregnancy-craving strawberry and turkey gravy run and never coming back, then, by gum, we’re just going to have to accept that.

We all know that Britney is filled with about eighteen gallons of Federline jizz, and some of it is beginning to grow arms and legs (the brain portion is yet to be determined). Just look at her:

That is not the wind, people. And unless she’s taken up competitive eating as a hobby, that’s no bloomin’ onion bloat either. Yet Britney still won’t admit that she’s about to pluck another Federline out of her cabbage patch. Maybe she’s waiting for Kevin to change his ways and start knitting booties? More likely she’s waiting for him to leave her so that Us Weekly will feel sorry for the poor, abandoned expectant mother and try to say nice things about her. A source told Life & Style,

Kevin’s falling out of love with Britney fast, and a baby won’t solve anything.

And according to a so-called friend, Kevin, talking about Shar Jackson, said,

I left her when she was knocked up. If I can work out something money-wise with Britney, I’m gone.

We pretty much knew Kevin was a piece of shit the moment we laid eyes on him, but we must have somehow underestimated his true jagalope nature. We’ve heard of some mighty weird fetishes in our day (like that one guy who liked to stuff blueberries in his butt and fart them into his ladyfriend’s mouth), but having a thing for pulling out on a girl when she’s incubating her second child with you is a little strange. (Perhaps he should have thought of the pulling out idea a little earlier.) To whomever his next victim may be, whether Scores dancer or Misty Mundae entourage, we beg you: Buy a box of Trojans. It’ll be worth it in the end. But not in that end. You can’t get pregnant that way.

Tons of Britney Spears pics here

Trying to keep track of Lindsay Lohan’s hookups is an exercise in futility, so we’ve pretty much stopped bothering. However, we got pretty excited when we saw this picture, snapped yesterday, of her preparing to canoodle with shamed fake author J.T. Leroy!

Did you like that Gawker-style literary reference? Did it make us look smart? Sweet, but the goldilocked beauhunk in the photo is actually James Burke, a model who is best known for being Kate Moss’s first post-rehab schtup-puppet.

Guess if he doesn’t mind putting his weenis into a woman who engaged in regular crotch frottage with the crack and heroin befouled Pete Doherty, he certainly doesn’t mind kissing a girl in 1988 lace-trimmed leggings from Merry Go Round.

Naughty Pictures of Lindsay right here…

Maked Pictures of Kate Moss here…

It’s springtime, and the large, fragrant blossoms blooming under Pamela Anderson’s sheer white T-shirt turn their faces towards the warmth of the May sun.
We like to think that this is the kind of everyday outfit Pam tosses on when she picks up the kids after school. If so, she might be responsible for sending an entire grade of Hollywood tween boys into accelerated puberty. We’re sorry that this story wasn’t very funny, but you know what is funny? Peter O’Toole’s name.

More of Pams Fashion sense and large tits right here

Paris Hilton
Place of birth: New York City, New York, USA
Date of birth: 02/17/1981

Superhumanly statuesque and blonder-than-blonde, Paris Hilton is named after the City of Lights, but her favorite color is pink, which she’s been flashing with her younger sister Nicky Hilton since they got out of diapers. Heiress to the Hilton hotel fortune, Paris is the ultimate party girl, famous for her topless table dancing at New Join Now and read more…

Jessica Simpson
Place of birth: Abilene, Texas, USA
Date of birth: 07/10/1980

After losing out to Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears for a place on The Mickey Mouse Club, Jessica Simpson kept auditioning and earned her own place in the ’90s as a leading pop songstress. The five-foot-three-inch dynamo was a hit artist by the age of seventeen, which meant we only had to wait one year Join Now and read more…

Jessica Simpson is reportedly “devastated” over Nick Lachey’s tell-all interview with Rolling Stone/Us Weekly. Not that she cares so much that he revealed details of their split; she’s just pissed that he did it right before the release of his sure-to-be-bigger-than-Thriller album. A boy’s gotta pay for his Kiehl’s and his mani-pedis somehow until those alimony checks start pouring in, and appearing as the hunky-yet-dimwitted refrigerator repairman on every show on the WB was getting a little stale.

That Jessica (and her daddy and the limitless ensemble of people she employs to make the public love her) sure is good at spin. When her soon-to-be-ex-husband manages to wrangle a tiny bit of sympathy by professing his love for her and otherwise looking like a total pussy in major print media, she turns it into him violating her trust and betraying their non-existent relationship (two things that in no way describe getting your fanny mopped by Johnny Knoxville). According to imdb.com:

In the interview Lachey revealed he still loved Simpson and was “blindsided” and “sucker-punched” by her decision to file for divorce. A source close to the blonde singer tells publication People, “She was devastated, heartbroken. She didn’t think he would do that.” Friends gathered at Simpson’s house the day the article hit newsstands to help console her and she even received a call from Lachey himself. A friend of Lachey’s tells the magazine, “He wanted her to hear it from him. He felt bad that she was upset, but Nick didn’t apologize, because the things he said (in the article) only demonstrate that he loves her.” Simpson’s camp believes he is trying to use the publicity to promote his upcoming album, What’s Left Of Me, which is set for release May 19. The Simpson source adds, “What really upset her was the timing. Nick waited until two weeks before his album debut to tell a reporter that he loved Jessica. That’s not cool. He keeps saying, ‘I’m sorry I couldn’t make her happy,’ but he is not choosing to say why.”

C’mon, Jessica, tell us why. What is that you want that Nick couldn’t give you? Did you want him to dress up like the Swiss Miss girl and stick a cucumber up your ass and he just said, “Let’s try that one position where you’re on top. That’s wild.” We bet that’s it.

See some naughty pics of Jessica Simpson here